Dec 11, 2009

i really don't know what to think anymore. thats really all i can say. its so hard. im having really hard time understand whats going on around me its so confusing and frustrating. i just want to bang my head a against a wall so i can stop feeling this way but i cant. i know this is all due to my depression and i can't deny it anymore. its eating away at me, its been eating away at me for so long. but know its finally catching up. i don't know what to say, how to act, i just keep forgetting all the time. im scared. i feel like im losing who i am. this sucks so fucking bad. just hope this doesn't last. i don't want to lose myself. i need to remember who i am so i can properly function in society again. i need to let go of everything in the past cause thats only going to hold me back from what i can do know. there's nothing i can do to change whats happend. this is so stupid, i can't believe how stupid i let myself become. i need to find a way out of this. i don't know how much longer i have. i never felt so alone in my life. these feelings i have are so overwhelming. i can't let it get to me. i need to let it all out.

Aug 16, 2009

i don't know whether to be angry, sad, confused, or just not care anymore.

uh well.

Aug 9, 2009

fuck my life....

fuck my life.

Aug 3, 2009

i've come to the point where i've realized that life is just so fucking stupid and goddamn gay that i would rather not care so fucking much about all the problems and shit that happens everyday. the stress is so not fucking worth it. i'd rather just live in the moment and enjoy myself before my time comes and i can say that i did what i fucking wanted.

the world can suck a dick.

Jul 25, 2009

i miss you. even if you don't hear or remember anymore...


i just don't want you to hate me for what i've become.



im so tired..






Jul 19, 2009

im so fucking tired. and i haven't even done anything remotely productive in weeks...

still no job. haven't done any artwork. and in a really terrible fucking mood.

at least i have carroll to look forward to.

...


life is worth living. i swear.



Jul 5, 2009

kiwi


we might get her.
that was the final bitch fit.



i've had enough of this shit for the last time.


im going to be happy. and im going to enjoy myself. even if it kills me.


fucking there. motherfucker.
im deteriorating. this is not fun.


my mind is in a constant state of confusion.


i want to be intelligent but im still doing this stupid shit.


i want to feel like im getting somewhere but in the back of my head i feel like im ignoring whats important.

if it really is important or just infatuation i don't know.

im so fucking furious at my stupidity. 

i want to punch myself in the head until my fist goes through it.

fffffffffffffffaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

.

Jul 4, 2009

i want to kill something very badly.
its a tug-o-war between good and evil, except for me its between manic depression and apathetic cynicism.


i wonder if i should stop trying to find the good person that i used to be, maybe he was never really there. maybe im just a good actor. well fuck me sideways.



happy sparkely shit day.
you're tired. go to bed.


and don't listen to your heart.

errr.


i had spaghetti for dinner.


i realized how much i fucking love spaghetti.


if spaghetti were a women we would have a noodle wedding and make meatball children that i'd eat.


its only half cannibalism.


.... 0_0

Jul 2, 2009

i just took a 20 minute jog and i feel like my legs are going to break in half.

pathetic.

today's gonna suck.

uncomfortable.


i really wish this would stop bothering me.

so i can get some sleep.

then dream about it...

.... what a dick.


so.

i kinda want my brain to start working again....




so i can be interesting for more than 2 minutes.


Jul 1, 2009

fuckin shit.






-_____________-

Jun 30, 2009

wish you were here old man.

i wonder what you'd say...


May 26, 2009

R.I.P. Phil Yu.. and good riddance.

so uhh.. if any of you have been facebooking lately, you might have seen an unfamiliar name pop up now and then. you might have thought," what? who the fuck is Houston Yu? i don't remember friending him! and why does he have all of Phil Yu's pictures? wait a minute, did he change his name!?" the answer: yes.  i did change my name. its not a joke either. i have seriously changed my name. why? its a very long and convoluted story. i guess one thing is that i've come to the realization that i HATE the name "Phillip." infact, i've always hated that name. it just always sounded awkward to me. first, the meaning of the name, Phillip, "boy who loves horses." now i have nothing against horses, they're a fine breed of animal,  but they are far from my favorite animal and personally are not deserving of my affection. it just doesn't make sense. and then, the PUNS. DEAR GOD AWFUL PUNS. "Phillycheesteak", "Philadelphia", "Phil YOU". if i had to shoot an infant for every time someone used one of those, i would have taken care of the Earth's overpopulation problem and then some. but really, more importantly, the reason why i changed my name was because of how i've lived life up to this point. to me, the name Phil Yu represents someone who has been mostly scared all his life, unable to think for himself, not having the will or the drive to do anything on his own, letting others determine what was best for him, and crumbling under any pressure put upon him.  Phil Yu is someone who prefers to stay sheltered by the protective barriers of his house, preferring to live a passive and mundane life sitting around, brooding and moaning about what could've and should've, all the while watching tv and stuffing his face with all things edible and heart attack enducing. Phil Yu is a guy who doesn't care about his future and lets time pass as opportunities present themselves and disappear, only waiting for the day that he just slumps over and he disappears. All and all, Phil Yu is a person that i've hated for the last 19 years, a person that i'm sick of being around, a person that i want nothing to do with anymore, and i don't feel like spending another year with this miserable CUNT. so thats why i did it. i know it might not seem significant or practical to some of you, but i find it a healthier alternative than hanging around my door way with a belt around my neck... so why the "Houston?"........................ I dont fuckin know. it sounds cool. shut up. 

May 7, 2009

here at the end of all things.

well, its good to be back home, i guess. im actually starting to feel a little better now. who knew not having a decent meal in weeks could do so much to you. still trying to work out my sleeping habits though. i went to bed at 5 last night... so all and all, im doing fine. it still feels so surreal to be out of stevenson. its hard to describe. its like i got so used to the monotony of getting up everyday, getting on the shuttle, and then going back and forth between classes and just feeling so mechanical and soulless. i guess after waiting for so long, i just gave up and turned my mind off cause i didn't see any end in sight. and when it did end, i was kinda shocked cause i wasn't expecting it. im not sure if i want to say much more than that. but i'll say im glad its finally over. i feel like i can put that time behind me now and just try to move on to better things. although not everything from stevenson was bad. i did get to meet some cool people who did care and helped me out a bunch. i just want to say thanks to all the friends that i made in class and to all the roommates that came and went for making this year a little bit more bearable for me. and thanks to the people who tolerated my constant brooding and complaining but were still nice to me even though i didn't deserve your kindness. good luck next year and maybe i'll see some of you again along the line. even though most of the year was pretty painful, i felt that i did grow up a little, whether becoming disillusioned and coming to realize the grim reality of the world is a sign of growing up or not. can't say i'd do it again though :P so.. on a different note, i need to wait for final grades to come out so i can send them to towson. i really hope i get in this time. also need a job. i hate being financially dependent. other than that, i got no plans for the summer. hit me up?

Apr 24, 2009

if you live with hope, you're dancing to a terrible tune.



well now that i can confirm that i have officially gone insane, my mind feels a little clearer and i feel like i can confidently make up a coherent sentence. unfortunately, im staying at school this weekend again. besides all the make-up work i need to start nonetheless remember, i needed to stay because i was supposed to go see a play on the other campus because i need to write a play-review for my english final. however, god or whoever's in charge of existance decided to take a shit on me and when i went to go catch the bus, i discovered that the shuttle stopped operating a couple hours before. therefore, i had no way of getting to the other campus because there were no buses and i don't have a car. so i missed the play. Now i knew that they were showing the play earlier for the last couple days but i couldn't go because i had night classes on those days. so i thought that i could just catch the friday show without missing any classes. however that didn't turn out to be case and i now find myself completely fucked over, which seems to be a re-ocurring theme in my life. its things like these that give me the urge to just throw myself against a wall until my body gets numb enough so that i can't get up anymore...

well i can say that was a fairly positive post.


heres a drawing i did last night.


  Leonardo




i have also determined that i am in love with tom waits. 
blood money is hot sex to me.

Apr 19, 2009

a change of pace.







so since im kind of going through a mental regression as of late, im going to stop talking so much. instead, here are some drawings i did this weekend:




devour




forgetting thought



the food is killing me





i just want school to be over. right now.

Apr 12, 2009

this is retarded.



video

sorry about the volume. the microphone was being a bitch turd.